so close, yet so far
i've been feeling really unhappy with my life lately. i'm stuck in the middle, i think.
yesterday, my results for state testing came out. a passing grade is 400 marks. a proficient grade is 500 marks. i got a 370. i was so close. i could have passed. why didn't i pass?
it makes me frustrated. i'm always "almost there". it's been like this as long as i can remember. i always earn just short of average. my grades are constantly in the D+ range, C- if i'm lucky. studying harder doesn't help either. i'm stuck. it makes me feel demotivated. if i'm not getting progress from trying harder, and i'm not getting progress from being lazy, then what's the difference? i'm not particularly skilled in anything else to make up for it, either. not in sports, not in music, not in art.
and it's not just academics either. i recently broke up with my girlfriend of over a year. it wasn't a super negative breakup, though... we agreed to stay friends and everything. but it's like there's a rift between us now. there's a lot of things i want to say and share with her, but i can't anymore, because we aren't on that level anymore. and it hurts to have to adjust. we talk a lot still, so we're close, but not that close, at least not in her eyes, and it makes me sad.
i'm so close to the things i want, but they're just out of reach.
every time i think i'm doing better, every time i think maybe it's all over, something new happens, and i'm in pain, and then it gets resolved. and then i think maybe it's over for real this time, maybe it'll be okay, and then something else occurs and i'm back at square 1. it's always 1 step forward, 2 steps backward.
it's like my existence doesn't serve a purpose. i'm just... there. some people say that their existence only causes others pain, but i don't even think that's my problem. at least those people are significant in some way, even if it's negative. me being alive doesn't really hurt OR benefit anyone. and that's what terrifies me the most.
i want to be important. i want to be recognized. but i don't know how to be when i'm always stuck on the edge. when your efforts always blend in with the crowd, how do you stand out?